Can Purell be used as lube?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
