my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
