a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
