i already hear my dad disowning me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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