Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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