Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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