omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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