I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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