I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Panties = found
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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