Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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