I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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