He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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