I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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