You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
