Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
