Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
