I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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