i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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