Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
