shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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