I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
