Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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