I hate your face
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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