Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
