while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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