even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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