Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
