Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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