Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
