i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
