today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
