i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I could fuck to npr.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
