Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I am midnight drunk by noon
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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