Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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