did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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