I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
