your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
