If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
