Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
