Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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