I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
