Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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