First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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