I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
