The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
