yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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