I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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