I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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