If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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