So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
