And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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