Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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