I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
