By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
